Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
