Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
