we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
