his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
