I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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