i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Randomize
