Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
