watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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