Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
