DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
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