Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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