I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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