I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
