Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
