He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Actions speak louder than pants.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
you're hired as official boob wrangler
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
