once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
