my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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