my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
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