I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Couch. On fire.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
