Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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