Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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