I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
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