I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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