Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
