god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
