i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
