Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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