I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
