i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
