My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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