Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
