he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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