You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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