I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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