his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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