If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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