She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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