i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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