doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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