soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Four minutes until I can fart!
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
