Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
