I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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