walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
