If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
