his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
