I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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