If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
