well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
