So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
third nipple confirmed
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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