We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Are we still banned from the library?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
