God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
