dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
